Top 10 (Bad) New Year's Resolutions for Divers

10) I will stop using my waterproof Scubaphone.

9) I'll stop using my tank-banger on my buddy's tank.

8) I'll stop taking videos of my buddy after I've startled him by banging on his tank.

7) I'll exchange my mother-in-law's gift certificate for a shark-feeder program.

6) I will delete "Words With Friends" from my dive computer.

5) I will stop peeing in my wetsuit when my buddy is swimming under me.

4) I'll stop referring to the beginners on the boat as "chum."

3) I will stop tugging on sharks' fins with my one good hand.

2) I will not laugh every time somebody on a dive boat uses the words "safety sausage" or "offgas".

1) I will come back in the same dive boat I left in.